Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Breaking the chain

It's taken me a great many years to accept that I have created and perpetuated a chain of negativity within myself, that has grown so long now that Jacob Marley would be jealous, but have started  breaking down that chain, link by link. It may well be the toughest thing I've ever done and will ever do, but as Lao Tsu said, (paraphrasing) "the journey of a thousand miles begins under one's own feet." REALIZING that so many of the hardships I experience are a direct result of my own negative, defeatist attitude is the first step of a LONG process, but it is an IMPORTANT step, and I am ready to take it.

In order to move forward, the best approach for me has actually been to take a look back, to see myself as I WAS, then visualize the person (the child, the friend, the lover, the MOTHER, the reflection) that I TRULY WANT TO BE. It ALL goes back to my very first post in this blog. I was nowhere near that "Septuagenarian Lady" that I imagined back then, even days ago. Quite contrarily, I had pulled so far away from that ideal, that I couldn't fathom what I could possibly do to get back on the right track. What do you do to heal wounds that you yourself keep opening? This mental mutilation is going to take a LOT more work to heal that simply recognizing my flaws and keeping myself in check...

I have caught myself in the act of self-sabotage, so many times. But rather than ceasing my actions mid stream, it's almost as if I think, "Well, screw it. I've gone THIS far... Might as well fuck it up RIGHT!" Catching yourself in the act, can only take you so far. You have to SEE EVERYTHING you are, the cancer, the negativity, the loathing and doubt, in order to completely reverse direction. But you also have to SEE the beauty in yourself and FIND your healing qualities, and regain your center. I HAVE TO recognize that I AM GOOD, and that it is OK TO BE GOOD, in order to recognize that BETTER is possible. I am trying to see what others see. ALL OF IT. GOOD AND BAD. 

What I gained from that part of the process is insight. I can see the GOAL LINE, and how to get there, which are to CORRECT imbalances, QUIET superego, HEAL wounds, LEARN SELF-recognizance, ALTER victimizing patterns and PROCEED on a new path. 

Hostility inflicts pain. Negativity infects. I do not intentionally inflict OR infect, but being very REAL here, a piss-poor attitude, born out of some warped sense of entitlement, and resent, manifested through ugly words and surly demeanor DOES just that, to everyone around you, and by extension everyone around them, and beyond! I have recently heard my OWN words, come from my own babies mouths. Words like, "I can't!" or "I give up!" have been said by both boys. In those moments I want to take them up in my arms and beg them, DON'T copy me!! 

Last week was THE breaking point -  I witnessed my 2 year old daughter, drop her sippy cup, roll her eyes to the heavens, stomp her foot, and yell out, "REALLY?!" 

Oh HELL no! 

And SO, long story short... ;-) I made a very conscious decision, that it was time to eradicate the OLD me, give myself a much needed bitch-slap, and realize, FIRST OFF, that THIS IS, ALL ABOUT ME. My actions and reactions affect MY outlook. Time to change my ATTITUDE to GRATITUDE (it's ok to groan at that last sentence... even my husband did! But if Muhammed Ali said it you KNOW it woulda sounded badass! But I digress...) Instead of focusing on the have nots, cant's and "why me" bullshit, I am simplifying, and simply saying "thank you, for what I HAVE and what I CAN DO." And answer my own question with, "why NOT me! If not ME, than who ELSE?!" No one can "fix" you, no matter how much medication you go on, or how many Therapists you see in your lifetime, until YOU are ready to INVEST in yourself.  I wasn't ready to make THAT investment, until now. my children deserve the best that I am, and NOTHING less

I want my loves to know I loved them, and I CAN BE HAPPY, and not the shell of a person the see so often.

That's the path that I am currently on.