Thursday, August 14, 2014

I have battled Depression.

I have battled Anxiety

I have battled Addiction.

I still do.

My demons are my own. I refuse to judge any others. But recently, a great hero of mine, took his own life, after many, many years of battling against a fierce foe. What was he thinking? How could he be so selfish, to take himself away from those who loved him, who needed him, who depended on him...

I don't know his thoughts... I refuse to judge him. But I know mine, and here they are

When you are at your lowest, you feel like a burdain upon those whom love you the most,you are afraid.that they will see that awful part of you that you try so hard to hide, to mask with alcohol, or drugs, or whatever your method of choice might be... You are terrified that they will think they are the cause of your pain. Often the answer is simply, to GO.

I have been there. I have never attempted my own life... Being brought up very religious, I was taught that suicide lands you in HELL. With the devil and the fire and brimstone and all that shit...

But what if you are ALREADY THERE?

Think, please, for a moment. Think about the person in pain. Maybe they Would reach out, but are ashamed... Maybe they want help, but not the stigma?

I was lucky. The night that I was at my lowest, I came home from a gig, and my daughter was still awake... She took my face in her hands and said, " I'm sad, Mommy." At that moment, she meant 100 times more that any pain thatI was in, and I said, "Why baby girl?"

She said, "I missed you so much."

I put her to bed. Cuddled with her. Then went to my back yard and cried. And then decided to get help. There is not a single level of pain worse than that Contemplating suicide. I promise you.

I got lucky. Some aren't so much... Love them and try to understand.