“You have to go forward to go back" - Gene Wilder, Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory, 1966.
It's a cycle that I've repeated, over, and over and over throughout my life, though I recognize the need for it to be immediately rectified. I am a self-sabotagist - I don't care if it's not a real word, I'm using it.
I try. REALLY. It is NOT a 'gift' that I want. Here's the problem: How do I alter a personality flaw that I've have practiced for so long that the act of it feels INNATE? Usually I wake up with the outlook, "Today is a new day." Unfortunately, my new day usually turns into same shit, different day, by Noon, and I end up back at square one.
Self Sabotage is a nasty little sickness of the mind. It will allow you to justify, ANY negative thought that comes in. "Obviously, if you WANTED to change, You'd do it. Or are you lazy?" "You don't deserve a good life, your kids, your husband... They deserve so much better..." These are legit thoughts that plague my mind... OFTEN. For anyone who follows the mantra that "We are happy because we deserve to be," Yeah, I never got that memo. I haven't earned it yet.
But I AM WORKING ON IT.
Every time I kiss my daughter, I look into her eyes and I realize that she is brand new. And she is happy. She's not happy because she's earned some RIGHT. She's happy because she is loved and feels love within herself. She is content. And I’m starting to realize, that it is NOT what you ARE. It is what you’ve LEARNED to be. And if it IS a learned behavior, than it can be UN-LEARNED.
Some days are easier than others. The days when 3 children are screaming and two have a bad diapers and I still haven’t sent the thank you cards from my daughter’s baby shower and she’s almost five months old, or the blog that I intended to write in every day and can’t make it happen more than once a month… Some days I want sit in the middle of my living room and just cry.
Other days, like for example, the day that I was driving home from a wedding gig in Newport, with my windows down and the music blaring, the sun slowly tanning my forearm as I drove, I took a look at my life from an outsider's perspective and said, "Yeah... this ain't so bad at all. It's pretty great, actually." Felt good. Felt very good.
But that is what life is. A series of steps forward and backwards until you eventually get to the point of destination. It might take me longer than I expected, but I will always keep trying. I don’t know how not to.