365-2180

Looks like a phone number, right? Nope. It's a Mantra. MY NEW MANTRA.

Today is my 39th birthday. I have been waiting for this day anxiously, since deciding to KNOCK OFF the half-hearted attempts to improve myself, only to beat the hell out of myself when I "fail."

Here's the thing. I have a lot of learning to do, more mistakes to learn FROM, and growing to do... On my 40th birthday I WILL be able to look in the mirror, having reached my ultimate goal of a complete 180 degree turn around. The face reflecting back at me is often unhappy, unhealthy, and unappreciative of the amazing gifts that I DO have in life right NOW. I will spend the next 365 days working on the areas of myself that I want to correct, like unhealthy diet and lifestyle, and truly embrace the beauty and joy that already exists. By remembering this mantra as a phone number, I keep my goal in mind, 365-2180. 365 days, to a total 180.

It starts now.

The Platform.

Growing more vivid in front of me has been this mental picture:

I envision myself, standing on a diving platform. Below me are the platforms which I have climbed past to reach this one. Way down sits a murky black pool, contaminated by bacteria and algae. I've climbed so many levels that it's hard to see the pool at this point.

Where I stand has grown windy. A storm is brewing and rain is starting to fall. The platform is slippery and I sense a real danger of slipping and falling off THIS platform, possibly landing in the pool that I have fought my entire life to climb out of.

This is Depression. This is what it feels like. You tread water in a dark pool. I DON'T want to go back. I was born with Depression and Anxiety disorders. Where I am, from where I've been is SO much better... But for some reason, I never seem to be able to climb to the NEXT level until I absolutely HAVE TO... That is where I am now.

My choices are to climb, to remain paralyzed where I stand, or worse still, to slip and fall.

I secure myself at the base of the ladder, take in the view around me, build up my physical and mental strength, gain perspective, and ready myself for the climb up the ladder to the NEXT platform... 

I catch glimpses of the platform above me through periodic breaks in the clouds. My favorite flowers spill over the sides, hanging down and swaying back and forth. I can smell the flowers. I  SEE the brightness and feel the warmth of the sun. Yet, halfway up, I freeze. 

Hanging out on the ladder, I start to ponder a few things... I still don't understand what holds me back sometimes. Is it fear that I won't succeed? That I won't be worthy of the next level? That it won't be what I expected? I can't stay HERE, that's for sure. I'm going to need a bathroom soon. ;-)

Recitations of apology, followed by replay of the mistake, is a lesson unlearned. It decreases the value of your sincerity, with with each *ahem* fuck up, and subsequent apology. Over time, faith decreases, and you become the boy who cried wolf, figuratively speaking. 

To be strong, bold and TRULY committed to my evolution, means that I MUST accept responsibility for my mis-steps, by surrendering to the fact that everything around me is completely beyond my control!  But, EVERYTHING within ME, IS COMPLETELY IN my control. Everything I see, touch, taste, smell, hear... IS MINE. NO ONE else has any say in that. MY world, MY reality, MY CONTROL. And it's time to climb this fucking ladder before I pee my pants.

For the last few years, a growing bitterness in myself... like I have no real direction or purpose... especially when someone tells me that I have as much right to love my life as anyone.

The best way to describe it is that I feel like a bit character in everyone else' play. And not the cool supportive "Ben Affleck or Robin Williams' Good Will Hunting" Characters - those guys that offer the out of nowhere profound insight, completely altering Matt Damon's personal outlook on life, so that he takes off for the West Coast in a shit-box, that, let's be honest, PROBABLY won't make it through the Berkshires, but dammit, HE'S GOING ANYWAY, come hell or high water... and hopefully non-shifty mechanics... because seriously, I would have given that freakin car to about Albany...

Seriously, who here thinks there should have been a "Good Will Hunting II," JUST so we could see that P.O.S. Nova rolling into Stanford U on bald tires, ready to tell Matty D to go pound some Pacific coast sand, backfiring the whole way there... Just to find out Skylar just transferred back to Harvard. Show of hands?!

;-)

Ok, still on the ladder...

I'm sorry, Really, I am TRYING to stay on topic. This is just how my mind works. Love me or leave me... that thought just made me hysterically laugh! But ok! Ummm, wait, where was I... BITTERNESS! Bitterness, resentment and cynicism. That's right...

God, I have issues...

But it's time to start climbing again. I'll worry about the expectations when I get there. I REALLY hope there's a bathroom...

Breaking the chain

It's taken me a great many years to accept that I have created and perpetuated a chain of negativity within myself, that has grown so long now that Jacob Marley would be jealous, but have started  breaking down that chain, link by link. It may well be the toughest thing I've ever done and will ever do, but as Lao Tsu said, (paraphrasing) "the journey of a thousand miles begins under one's own feet." REALIZING that so many of the hardships I experience are a direct result of my own negative, defeatist attitude is the first step of a LONG process, but it is an IMPORTANT step, and I am ready to take it.

In order to move forward, the best approach for me has actually been to take a look back, to see myself as I WAS, then visualize the person (the child, the friend, the lover, the MOTHER, the reflection) that I TRULY WANT TO BE. It ALL goes back to my very first post in this blog. I was nowhere near that "Septuagenarian Lady" that I imagined back then, even days ago. Quite contrarily, I had pulled so far away from that ideal, that I couldn't fathom what I could possibly do to get back on the right track. What do you do to heal wounds that you yourself keep opening? This mental mutilation is going to take a LOT more work to heal that simply recognizing my flaws and keeping myself in check...

I have caught myself in the act of self-sabotage, so many times. But rather than ceasing my actions mid stream, it's almost as if I think, "Well, screw it. I've gone THIS far... Might as well fuck it up RIGHT!" Catching yourself in the act, can only take you so far. You have to SEE EVERYTHING you are, the cancer, the negativity, the loathing and doubt, in order to completely reverse direction. But you also have to SEE the beauty in yourself and FIND your healing qualities, and regain your center. I HAVE TO recognize that I AM GOOD, and that it is OK TO BE GOOD, in order to recognize that BETTER is possible. I am trying to see what others see. ALL OF IT. GOOD AND BAD. 

What I gained from that part of the process is insight. I can see the GOAL LINE, and how to get there, which are to CORRECT imbalances, QUIET superego, HEAL wounds, LEARN SELF-recognizance, ALTER victimizing patterns and PROCEED on a new path. 

Hostility inflicts pain. Negativity infects. I do not intentionally inflict OR infect, but being very REAL here, a piss-poor attitude, born out of some warped sense of entitlement, and resent, manifested through ugly words and surly demeanor DOES just that, to everyone around you, and by extension everyone around them, and beyond! I have recently heard my OWN words, come from my own babies mouths. Words like, "I can't!" or "I give up!" have been said by both boys. In those moments I want to take them up in my arms and beg them, DON'T copy me!! 

Last week was THE breaking point -  I witnessed my 2 year old daughter, drop her sippy cup, roll her eyes to the heavens, stomp her foot, and yell out, "REALLY?!" 

Oh HELL no! 

And SO, long story short... ;-) I made a very conscious decision, that it was time to eradicate the OLD me, give myself a much needed bitch-slap, and realize, FIRST OFF, that THIS IS, ALL ABOUT ME. My actions and reactions affect MY outlook. Time to change my ATTITUDE to GRATITUDE (it's ok to groan at that last sentence... even my husband did! But if Muhammed Ali said it you KNOW it woulda sounded badass! But I digress...) Instead of focusing on the have nots, cant's and "why me" bullshit, I am simplifying, and simply saying "thank you, for what I HAVE and what I CAN DO." And answer my own question with, "why NOT me! If not ME, than who ELSE?!" No one can "fix" you, no matter how much medication you go on, or how many Therapists you see in your lifetime, until YOU are ready to INVEST in yourself.  I wasn't ready to make THAT investment, until now. my children deserve the best that I am, and NOTHING less

I want my loves to know I loved them, and I CAN BE HAPPY, and not the shell of a person the see so often.

That's the path that I am currently on.