Thursday, May 23, 2013

The Platform.

Growing more vivid in front of me has been this mental picture:

I envision myself, standing on a diving platform. Below me are the platforms which I have climbed past to reach this one. Way down sits a murky black pool, contaminated by bacteria and algae. I've climbed so many levels that it's hard to see the pool at this point.

Where I stand has grown windy. A storm is brewing and rain is starting to fall. The platform is slippery and I sense a real danger of slipping and falling off THIS platform, possibly landing in the pool that I have fought my entire life to climb out of.

This is Depression. This is what it feels like. You tread water in a dark pool. I DON'T want to go back. I was born with Depression and Anxiety disorders. Where I am, from where I've been is SO much better... But for some reason, I never seem to be able to climb to the NEXT level until I absolutely HAVE TO... That is where I am now.

My choices are to climb, to remain paralyzed where I stand, or worse still, to slip and fall.

I secure myself at the base of the ladder, take in the view around me, build up my physical and mental strength, gain perspective, and ready myself for the climb up the ladder to the NEXT platform... 

I catch glimpses of the platform above me through periodic breaks in the clouds. My favorite flowers spill over the sides, hanging down and swaying back and forth. I can smell the flowers. I  SEE the brightness and feel the warmth of the sun. Yet, halfway up, I freeze. 

Hanging out on the ladder, I start to ponder a few things... I still don't understand what holds me back sometimes. Is it fear that I won't succeed? That I won't be worthy of the next level? That it won't be what I expected? I can't stay HERE, that's for sure. I'm going to need a bathroom soon. ;-)

Recitations of apology, followed by replay of the mistake, is a lesson unlearned. It decreases the value of your sincerity, with with each *ahem* fuck up, and subsequent apology. Over time, faith decreases, and you become the boy who cried wolf, figuratively speaking. 

To be strong, bold and TRULY committed to my evolution, means that I MUST accept responsibility for my mis-steps, by surrendering to the fact that everything around me is completely beyond my control!  But, EVERYTHING within ME, IS COMPLETELY IN my control. Everything I see, touch, taste, smell, hear... IS MINE. NO ONE else has any say in that. MY world, MY reality, MY CONTROL. And it's time to climb this fucking ladder before I pee my pants.

For the last few years, a growing bitterness in myself... like I have no real direction or purpose... especially when someone tells me that I have as much right to love my life as anyone.

The best way to describe it is that I feel like a bit character in everyone else' play. And not the cool supportive "Ben Affleck or Robin Williams' Good Will Hunting" Characters - those guys that offer the out of nowhere profound insight, completely altering Matt Damon's personal outlook on life, so that he takes off for the West Coast in a shit-box, that, let's be honest, PROBABLY won't make it through the Berkshires, but dammit, HE'S GOING ANYWAY, come hell or high water... and hopefully non-shifty mechanics... because seriously, I would have given that freakin car to about Albany...

Seriously, who here thinks there should have been a "Good Will Hunting II," JUST so we could see that P.O.S. Nova rolling into Stanford U on bald tires, ready to tell Matty D to go pound some Pacific coast sand, backfiring the whole way there... Just to find out Skylar just transferred back to Harvard. Show of hands?!


Ok, still on the ladder...

I'm sorry, Really, I am TRYING to stay on topic. This is just how my mind works. Love me or leave me... that thought just made me hysterically laugh! But ok! Ummm, wait, where was I... BITTERNESS! Bitterness, resentment and cynicism. That's right...

God, I have issues...

But it's time to start climbing again. I'll worry about the expectations when I get there. I REALLY hope there's a bathroom...

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